As a mom of four and grandmother of seven, I often marvel at how deeply children can feel. Whether it’s sheer joy over a new creepy-crawly friend, or the intense frustration of a broken crayon, deeply feeling kids experience emotions on a grand scale.
While this emotional intensity is a beautiful part of who they are, it can sometimes lead to super-sized reactions to small problems. Helping our children learn to gauge the size of a problem and adjust their reactions accordingly is an essential skill that can make their emotional world more manageable. This journey isn't about diminishing their feelings but about empowering them to respond in ways that are effective so that they get the response they need from those around them.
Let's explore how we can guide our children away from turning molehills into mountains and help them navigate life's ups and downs with greater ease.
Been there. Done that.
We’ve all overreacted to a problem at one time or another, and we’ve probably all experienced the fallout when our reactions were “too big” for the size of the problem. Fortunately, for most adults, this doesn’t happen often, but for kids (especially deeply-feeling, sensitive kids), big emotional reactions are fairly routine.
And parenting a child whose reactions don’t seem to match the size of the problem can be frustrating, at best.
What’s a Parent to Do?
If you’re looking for a way to help your Deeply Feeling child better modulate their emotions, try teaching them about “Size of Problem" and "Size of Reaction.” This concept, developed by Michelle Garcia-Winner, teaches children the foundations of problem solving in a way that allows them to choose an effective way of communicating their distress and enlisting the help of people around them.
The Foundations
To help children truly understand and apply this concept, it’s important to break it down into four key principles that children can understand and remember. By starting with the foundations, it becomes easier for children to use the "Size of Problem-Size of Reaction" strategy when they need it.
There are 4 key concepts that all children should understand:
1. Problems come in different sizes
2. Emotions and reactions come in different sizes
3. Emotions are normal and help determine how we should react
4. It’s expected that the size of the emotion and related reaction matches the size of the problem.
Defining our Terms
While adults use word like problems, emotions and reactions all the time, not all children can easily define these terms. So before launching into discussion about problem solving, take a moment to make sure that you and your child are defining these constructs the same way.
To help you get started, here's a glimpse of how I might explain these to one of my younger clients.
Problem
A problem is something that happens that was not part of the plan and negatively influences it. Problems can make people feel uncomfortable. Some examples of problems are:
Something unexpected happens
Things didn’t go the way I planned
I didn’t get what I wanted
Feelings
Feelings are what happen on the inside of our bodies. To help us talk about our feelings we use words such as happy, mad, sad, and scared. When problems happen, we have different feelings of different sizes. For example, I might be little bit scared of a spider, but I’ll probably be very scared of a poisonous snake.
Reactions
Our feelings usually tell us how we should react. Reactions are what we do, show and say on the outside because of the feelings we have on the inside. Reactions also come in different sizes.
Size of Problem-Size of Reaction
Once you've made sure that you and your child understand problems, feelings and reactions the same way, it's time to take a deeper dive into the world of problem solving.
Problems come in different sizes, and it's important for children to recognize this to manage their reactions appropriately. Small problems, or Size 1 problems, are issues that can be taken care of quickly and often can be solved on their own or with the help of peers. These are the kinds of problems that can be ignored or addressed without much fuss, such as a minor disagreement with a friend or a small spill.
Medium-sized problems, or Size 2 problems, require more time and effort to solve and usually need adult assistance. While adults are needed to help address these issues, it’s crucial that children also play a role in solving them. This collaboration helps children learn problem-solving skills and gain confidence in handling more complex situations. Examples of medium problems might include a larger conflict at school or difficulty with a homework assignment.
Big problems, or Size 3 problems, are the most serious and often require significant time and multiple resources to resolve. These problems typically involve situations that pose a serious risk or cause significant distress, such as big injuries, fires, emergencies, or broken bones. When big problems arise, even adults might need help from other adults or experts to manage the situation effectively. Understanding the severity of these problems helps children realize the importance of seeking appropriate help and staying calm in emergencies.
Now, for the RULE.
Wait! There’s a rule?
Yup! Here it is. The rule that everyone should know, but few are taught:
The size of our reaction should match the size of the problem.
That's all folks. It's that simple.
Trouble is that kids often make the mistake of thinking that the size of their reaction on the outside needs to match the size of their feelings on the inside. The trouble with this is that if the size of one’s reaction is too seen by others as being "too big" or an "overreaction" for the size of the problem, others around them begin to feel uncomfortable and will move away.
Objections, Anyone?
It is completely understandable that some parents and professionals might feel concerned about any approach that seems to suggest limiting a child's emotional expression. Indeed, children have the right to their feelings and need to express them in a way that feels authentic to them. However, teaching children about the size of a problem and the appropriate size of their reaction is not about suppressing their emotions or invalidating their experiences. Rather, it is about equipping them with the skills to navigate their emotional landscape more effectively and respond in ways that are proportional and constructive.
This approach acknowledges that all feelings are valid and important. It does not deny a child's right to feel deeply; instead, it offers them a framework to better understand their emotions and reactions. By learning to differentiate between small, medium, and big problems, children can still feel their emotions fully while also developing the ability to self-regulate and problem-solve. This balance helps them to express their feelings in ways that are both healthy and productive, ensuring that their emotional needs are met without overwhelming themselves or those around them.
Ultimately, this empowers children to handle life's challenges with resilience and confidence, honoring their deep feelings while guiding them towards thoughtful and effective responses.
As we work to build this self-awareness in our early learners, and we encourage them to observe how others react to various sizes of problems, children may eventually gain enough self-regulatory capacity to hear those words in their brains and in the moment think, “Stop, and think. This is a small problem. I can stay calm.” This level of self-awareness and self-regulation could be years and years away, however. Think of your role as planting seeds of understanding.
It is very helpful to model this thinking and behavior for your children. As problems emerge in your life, talk to your children about what size you think they are (1, 2, or 3), and how your reaction is related to the size of the problem. The more times you can point out your own thinking and behavior, the more opportunities you give your child to learn about the process of quantifying the size of problems and reactions.
Building a Foundation for Emotional Resilience
Remember, that building this kind of emotional resilience takes time and patience. It's a gradual process that unfolds over years of consistent modeling, gentle guidance, and lots of practice. Here are a few practical tips to keep in mind:
1. Be Patient and Consistent. Children won't grasp this concept overnight. Be patient and continue to reinforce the idea gently and consistently.
2. Celebrate Small Wins. Acknowledge and celebrate when your child successfully identifies a small problem and reacts appropriately. Positive reinforcement can be a powerful motivator.
3. Provide Support and Understanding. Offer comfort and understanding when your child struggles with this concept. Validate their feelings and gently guide them towards a more measured reaction.
4. Create a Safe Space for Discussion. Encourage open discussions about emotions and reactions. Creating a safe space for your child to express their feelings without judgment is crucial for their emotional development.
By fostering an environment where children can learn to assess the size of a problem and respond accordingly, we are equipping them with essential life skills that will serve them well into adulthood. It’s about planting seeds today for a future where our children can navigate life’s challenges with confidence, resilience, and calm.
To support you in this journey, we've created a free PDF filled with activities you can implement at home to practice identifying the size of problems and matching reactions. Additionally, you'll receive a graphic tool that you can use at home to help your child determine the size of their problem and choose the reaction they feel is appropriate.
Click here to download your free PDF and graphic tool and start helping your child develop these crucial skills today!
For more information on parenting deeply-feeling, supersensor kids, look here on our website. And for information on the role of the Vagus Nerve and the Polyvagal Theory in emotion regulation, check this out.
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