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Writer's pictureSuri Nowosiolski

Transform Your Relationship with Your Teen: The Ultimate Guide to Validating Teens

mom and daughter hugging

Imagine this: Your 16-year-old daughter is quietly (or not so quietly) sobbing on the couch. You tentatively approach and ask what happened. Between sobs, she tells you that she wasn’t invited to her best friend’s party. Eager to make her feel better you respond:


a. Maybe it was just an oversight. Were you the only one who wasn’t invited?

b. Who needs her anyway?

c. Let’s find something more fun to do this weekend.

d. There will be other parties–no one gets invited to everything.

e. All of the above.


If you'd answer “e,”  you are not alone! As parents, our first and primary role is to ensure our children’s well-being. In fact, we are biologically wired to protect our little ones from harm–physical or emotional. This protective instinct drives us to figure out what’s wrong and take immediate action when we believe that our child is in danger or distress.


dad and son who looks sad

Bottom line, we are biologically programmed to figure it out, fix it and make them feel better.  As a loving, concerned parent who spent the first several years of their child’s life problem-solving and soothing, it’s natural that a teenager’s sobs would evoke that very same instinct—fix it and make them feel better. Quickly. 



Why Parents Instinctively Problem-Solve: Key Reasons Behind the Urge to Fix


Parents love to help. They love to fix, and having a better understanding of why we do this helps us approach our teens with more empathy and effectiveness. When we recognize that our instinct to problem-solve comes from a place of deep care and a desire to protect, we can balance that with the need to validate their feelings. This awareness allows us to support our teens more thoughtfully, fostering a stronger and more understanding relationship. By addressing their emotions first and foremost, we create a foundation for meaningful conversations and positive change.


Where does that urge to fix come from?

Dad supporting son
  1. Desire to Alleviate Suffering, Uncertainty and Discomfort (ours, not theirs): For most parents, seeing their child hurting is uncomfortable (or worse.). And our natural response is to alleviate that pain, not only because we feel empathy for them, but because it makes us feel better as well. Seeing a child hurt and upset can be emotionally challenging for us as well. 


  2. Social Conditioning: Society and cultures around the world emphasize the value of being helpful. Who doesn’t like to feel helpful?  As a result, parents are often conditioned to believe that offering solutions or advice is the most effective (read: helpful) way to support their children. 


  3. It’s Generational: Many of us were raised in environments where emotions were quickly minimized or solutions were prioritized. These experiences shape our approach to handling our own children’s big emotional reactions. If we were taught to “move on” from difficulties or quickly seek solutions, we may unconsciously repeat the same process with our children.


All of these factors make it difficult to pause and acknowledge our children’s feelings (and our own) before jumping in to offer solutions, reassurance or platitudes. 


So, What Exactly Is Validation?

Validation means acknowledging that your teen’s thoughts, feelings, and actions make sense based on their unique experiences. It’s about communicating, “I get why you feel this way; it’s totally understandable.” 


In explaining the concept of validation to parents, I often hear, “Oh! So I should empathize!” 


Well, yes, you should empathize, but empathy and validation are not one and the same. 



mom hugging daughter

Empathy is about sharing in your teen’s feelings, accepting their thoughts, feelings and experiences as they are–without  judgment. While validation involves recognizing the truth in their experience and communicating an understanding of why it makes sense that they feel the way they do. 


Empathy provides the foundation upon which validation is built, and communicates, “I accept how you feel with no criticism or judgment.”  Validation, on the other hand, goes beyond empathy to communicate, “Not only do I accept how you feel, it makes sense to me that you feel that way.”


Teen Validation in Action

Validating a teen's emotions can be challenging, especially when you don't fully agree with their perspective (or you fully disagree with their perspective). It’s natural for parents to struggle with balancing their own feelings and opinions while trying to support their teen effectively. Figuring out what to validate can be tricky. We need to make sure we're validating the valid aspects of what our teen is sharing without unintentionally validating the invalid.


son hugging mom

To make the process of determining what to validate easier, it might be helpful to

think of it like panning for gold. When a prospector pans for gold, they carefully sift through dirt and gravel to find that one golden nugget they’re searching for.  As a parent, you’re looking for the kernel of truth in your teen’s emotional experience. This golden nugget represents the genuine, valid aspect of their feelings that can and should be acknowledged as valid. By focusing on this core truth, you can validate their experience, feelings, and/or choices, even if the overall situation is complex or you have reservations about their perspective. 


So what does this look like in real time? Let’s take a not uncommon scenario:

Your 15-year-old son comes home from school upset. He tells you, “Everyone in my class hates me. They never invite me to hang out! Everyone went to Clay’s after school except me. I’m always left out.”


If you’re like me (yes, I’m the mom of a teen), you’re feeling a strong urge to convince your teen that not everyone in his class hates him, or it was an oversight. You may even feel an urge to take your son out for ice cream/dinner etc. to take his mind off of his hurt feelings.  If that resonates with you, STOP.  No matter how well meaning, any effort to debate, argue, convince, minimize or distract is inherently invalidating. 


Parent’s Response.  Instead of reacting to the entire emotional outburst, you take a moment to "pan for gold." You recognize that while the statement might be exaggerated—since it’s unlikely that everyone in the class truly hates him—the core of his feelings is valid.


Validating Statement. You respond with, “I hear that you’re feeling really left out and hurt because you weren’t invited to hang out with your friends. It makes sense that you’d feel that way when it seems like you’re not included.” Once you’ve validated, you can move on to problem solving. “ Would you like to talk about what’s been happening and see if we can figure out what might be going on.”

In this response, you’ve picked out the “golden nugget” of truth: his feelings of exclusion and hurt are genuine and worth acknowledging. You’re not validating the exaggerated belief  that “everyone hates me,” but you are recognizing and validating his emotional experience of feeling left out. By focusing on the valid aspect of his feelings, you provide support while helping him address his real concerns.


Let’s try another one.  This time, it’s your 17-year-old daughter who comes home after a tough day and says, “My teacher is totally unfair. She gave me a bad grade just because she doesn’t like me. I never get good grades in her class, no matter how hard I try.”


Mom trying to talk to daughter who looks sad

As her parent of 17 years, you know that your daughter has not been putting in the work needed to earn a good grade in the class, but that doesn’t make her entire assertion invalid. Instead of focusing on the accusation that the teacher doesn’t like her or that she never gets good grades, you sift through her words to find the core of her frustration.


Validating Statement. You respond with, “I can see you’re really frustrated and upset about the grade you got. It’s tough when you feel like you’re not being treated fairly, especially when you’ve worked hard. Let’s look at the feedback you received and see if we can figure out what might have gone wrong and how to improve for next time.”


Explanation. In this response, you’re identifying and validating the valid part of her experience: her frustration and sense of unfairness are real and understandable emotions. You’re not endorsing the idea that the teacher’s personal feelings are the cause or that she’s doomed to get bad grades, but you’re acknowledging her emotional experience and offering to help her address the practical aspects of the situation.


mom bonding with daughter

Why Is Validation So Important?

Here’s the thing: Teens are navigating a whirlwind of emotions and experiences. Validation helps them feel seen and heard, which can be incredibly empowering. It’s not just about making them feel good; it’s about building a solid foundation for open communication and trust.


What Validation Is NOT

Let’s clear up a few misconceptions. Validation isn’t about agreeing with every action or thought your teen has. It’s not about praising them or making everything okay. Instead, it’s about accepting reality as it is and showing understanding.


  1. Not Agreement or Approval: Validation isn’t about saying, “I agree with you” or “I approve of your actions.” It’s about recognizing their feelings as valid, even if you don’t agree with their behavior.


  2. Not Lecturing or Problem-Solving: Avoid using validation as a chance to lecture or solve problems. This can make your teen feel like their emotions aren’t valid, just something to be fixed.


  3. Not General Positivity: Offering vague reassurances or general positivity can feel dismissive. Validation means acknowledging the depth of their feelings, not just offering a “cheer up” message.


  4. Not Lying or Being “Nice”: It’s important to face reality with your teen rather than trying to sugarcoat things or avoid the truth.


Mom and Dad hugging teen daughter

What to Validate

Figuring out what to validate can be tricky! As you’re looking for that “golden nugget” of truth and validity in what your child is sharing, consider searching in the following areas:


  • Emotions: Emotions can always be validated, because the way your child feels is truly the way they feel. And if that’s the way they feel, it makes sense for them. For example, if they’re angry about a situation, acknowledge that their anger is understandable: “I see that you’re really angry about this, it makes sense that you’d feel that way!”


  • Actions: Sometimes, teens’ actions are a direct reflection of their feelings. Validating these actions means understanding why they acted the way they did and acknowledging their emotions behind those actions. For example, if your teen reacted strongly to a stressful situation, you might say, “I can see that you were really upset, and that’s why you acted the way you did. Let’s talk about what was going on and how you felt.”


    It’s important to note that validating their actions doesn’t mean you agree with what they did. Instead, it means recognizing that their actions make sense given their emotional state. This approach helps you connect with their feelings and shows that you understand their experience, fostering a supportive environment.


  • Thoughts: Validate the underlying wisdom in their thoughts. For instance, if they feel excluded, acknowledge their perception: “It makes sense that you feel left out if you weren’t invited. It’s tough to deal with that.”


Bottom line? Validating a teen’s feelings and actions is all about showing them that you truly understand where they’re coming from, even if you don’t completely agree with their choices. It’s natural to want to fix things or offer quick solutions, but the real power of validation lies in simply acknowledging their emotions and experiences. By focusing on the core of their feelings and responding with empathy, you create a space where they feel heard and valued.


This approach isn’t about agreeing with every action or emotion but recognizing that their feelings make sense given their current situation. It’s a way to connect with them on a deeper level, which can strengthen your relationship and build trust. When your teen knows their emotions are valid and understood, they’re more likely to open up, work through their challenges, and feel supported. In the end, validation helps your teen navigate their ups and downs with greater confidence and resilience, knowing they have a caring and empathetic ally in you. Try it and see what happens.

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